Alcohol is wonderful. If you’re a recovering alcoholic, you
probably disagree with me. But if you’re an 18 year-old asshole like myself in
college, you’re probably hung over reading this right now.
For some people, Alcohol changes you- it makes you a new person. Some people will drink to the point where they don't know who they are, what's going on, how they got where they are, and forget where they last left their pants.
My friend Asshole is a lot like this.
In addition to Asshole, JewishWonder and Pussy's neighbor is one of these people. For the intention of this blog, we will refer to him as IncrediblyStrongLacrosseGuy. Hopefully, he will enjoy this blog post and not beat the shit out of me.
One can only hope he doesn't jam the end of his lacrosse stick up my ass and torture me like Vlad the Impaler. Please leave my anus alone, sir.
Anyway, historically speaking, IncrediblyStrongLacrosseGuy gets really fucked up on weekends. He likes to fight things when he's drunk. Fortunately for my face and anus, the only person I have seen him fight was his roommate- and I am not him.
But he has fought other things- walls, cars, and other inanimate normalcies. This weekend, he fought a light- and by God did he win.
We were all sitting in his room, his roommate, another strong man, sat clutching his bloody nose. The stimulus for such an occurrence, I am unsure, but we sat there, about 8 or 9 of us, watching IncrediblyStrongLacrosseGuy do his thing.
In between shouting lines like, "BITCH YOU GUESSED IT" and "HOT NIGGA,"he blessed us with some stories and wonderful interactions with people. He clutched me on the shoulder and sang to me many times as I urinated in fear and laughter.
At some point, he grew violent and my roommate said something along the lines of, "one of these days you're going to end up punching your light."
Well, he fucking did it. Right there. He punched his fucking light. Right in his ceiling.
I died.
I had to leave the room from laughing so hard. When I returned, I found this.
People stuck around to help out and clean up the broken glass but all I could do was just stand there in amazement. I will never forget the moment when I watched his fist hit the fucking light and darkness capture the room. It will forever be one of the greatest things I have witnessed and I only regret not having it on film.
The day ensued with someone taping 40's to my hands but I did not drink them since I am not 21 years old.
I arose on Sunday and did what I do on most Sundays:
Abso-fucking-lutely-nothing.
My roommate's girlfriend came over, Little Burrito, and she gave me some coffee her father sells on the black market. I will tell you all now, this coffee is so good it makes me want to cross the border but in the opposite direction.
Monday many will consider the weekend over. I am not one of those people. In college, every day is like a little adventure and it's like an endless summer.
So when a girl friend of mine asked me to come to Penn State to be her date for her formal, I couldn't say no.
That's right. I drove 250 fucking miles to mid-fuck-nowhere Pennsylvania. I know what you're all thinking- "you went to get some pussy right Justin? You did her dirty right?"
Even her mom said, "he's going to want something in return." Well my fellow readers and Rhonda, this was not my true reason for going.
You see, sometimes as a Rutgers student, you just want to say 'fuck Penn State.' Most of us, myself included, hate that cocksucker school. They can all suck my ass and I will fight you all using only my left breast and right testicle.
Unless of course Penn State wants to pay me for writing a blog about them in which case I love them and they are an amazing institution.
But anyway I went and put on a tie. My date explained to me, as well as everyone else, that "this dress is non-refundable and I just want to wear it."
What a fucking Jew.
We took some quality pics and I then saw Matt Levenkron, one of the most handsome Jews in all of New Jersey.
The highlight of this night was at the formal where the DJ put on the song "Shout," throwing back to the classic college film Animal House. If you haven't seen that movie you should either A. Kill yourself or B. Watch it right now.
The drive back the next morning was agonizing as I had to spend another 4 hours and 250 miles driving through the now illuminated state of Pennsylvania.
Pennsylvania is probably the shittiest state in the U.S., aside from Kentucky. Driving through this Amish Land I passed 67 different farms and saw a total of 4 black people. I took some photos of the 'beautiful' mountain ranges of this land.
Fuck that place.
Getting back home was like taking a huge shit and cumming at the same time. I was so wiped out from driving that by 4PM I had to sleep and missed my class.
In other news:
While I am not busy doing school work, or masturbating, I am trying very rigorously to publish a short-story as well as my next book, Orange Juice. If any of you fuckers know any literary agents or publishing companies who would want to mass produce a bunch of words I put together, please let me know.
Thou can contact me at
whosteen1@gmail.com or always on twitter @atheistjustin
I leave you all with a 'fuck you' and a picture of Owen Wilson.
My friend Asshole is a lot like this.
In addition to Asshole, JewishWonder and Pussy's neighbor is one of these people. For the intention of this blog, we will refer to him as IncrediblyStrongLacrosseGuy. Hopefully, he will enjoy this blog post and not beat the shit out of me.
One can only hope he doesn't jam the end of his lacrosse stick up my ass and torture me like Vlad the Impaler. Please leave my anus alone, sir.
Anyway, historically speaking, IncrediblyStrongLacrosseGuy gets really fucked up on weekends. He likes to fight things when he's drunk. Fortunately for my face and anus, the only person I have seen him fight was his roommate- and I am not him.
But he has fought other things- walls, cars, and other inanimate normalcies. This weekend, he fought a light- and by God did he win.
We were all sitting in his room, his roommate, another strong man, sat clutching his bloody nose. The stimulus for such an occurrence, I am unsure, but we sat there, about 8 or 9 of us, watching IncrediblyStrongLacrosseGuy do his thing.
In between shouting lines like, "BITCH YOU GUESSED IT" and "HOT NIGGA,"he blessed us with some stories and wonderful interactions with people. He clutched me on the shoulder and sang to me many times as I urinated in fear and laughter.
At some point, he grew violent and my roommate said something along the lines of, "one of these days you're going to end up punching your light."
Well, he fucking did it. Right there. He punched his fucking light. Right in his ceiling.
I died.
I had to leave the room from laughing so hard. When I returned, I found this.
People stuck around to help out and clean up the broken glass but all I could do was just stand there in amazement. I will never forget the moment when I watched his fist hit the fucking light and darkness capture the room. It will forever be one of the greatest things I have witnessed and I only regret not having it on film.
The day ensued with someone taping 40's to my hands but I did not drink them since I am not 21 years old.
I arose on Sunday and did what I do on most Sundays:
Abso-fucking-lutely-nothing.
My roommate's girlfriend came over, Little Burrito, and she gave me some coffee her father sells on the black market. I will tell you all now, this coffee is so good it makes me want to cross the border but in the opposite direction.
Monday many will consider the weekend over. I am not one of those people. In college, every day is like a little adventure and it's like an endless summer.
So when a girl friend of mine asked me to come to Penn State to be her date for her formal, I couldn't say no.
That's right. I drove 250 fucking miles to mid-fuck-nowhere Pennsylvania. I know what you're all thinking- "you went to get some pussy right Justin? You did her dirty right?"
Even her mom said, "he's going to want something in return." Well my fellow readers and Rhonda, this was not my true reason for going.
You see, sometimes as a Rutgers student, you just want to say 'fuck Penn State.' Most of us, myself included, hate that cocksucker school. They can all suck my ass and I will fight you all using only my left breast and right testicle.
Unless of course Penn State wants to pay me for writing a blog about them in which case I love them and they are an amazing institution.
But anyway I went and put on a tie. My date explained to me, as well as everyone else, that "this dress is non-refundable and I just want to wear it."
What a fucking Jew.
We took some quality pics and I then saw Matt Levenkron, one of the most handsome Jews in all of New Jersey.
The highlight of this night was at the formal where the DJ put on the song "Shout," throwing back to the classic college film Animal House. If you haven't seen that movie you should either A. Kill yourself or B. Watch it right now.
The drive back the next morning was agonizing as I had to spend another 4 hours and 250 miles driving through the now illuminated state of Pennsylvania.
Pennsylvania is probably the shittiest state in the U.S., aside from Kentucky. Driving through this Amish Land I passed 67 different farms and saw a total of 4 black people. I took some photos of the 'beautiful' mountain ranges of this land.
Fuck that place.
Getting back home was like taking a huge shit and cumming at the same time. I was so wiped out from driving that by 4PM I had to sleep and missed my class.
In other news:
While I am not busy doing school work, or masturbating, I am trying very rigorously to publish a short-story as well as my next book, Orange Juice. If any of you fuckers know any literary agents or publishing companies who would want to mass produce a bunch of words I put together, please let me know.
Thou can contact me at
whosteen1@gmail.com or always on twitter @atheistjustin
I leave you all with a 'fuck you' and a picture of Owen Wilson.
I puffy heart Becky Lalalaa ��
ReplyDeleteAnd that's supposed to be an emoji cactus above - but it's just showing as squares. :(
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