I actually already wrote this blog post and uploaded it a few weeks ago- but guess fucking WHAT- that shit didn't save. So now I've disappointed myself, my fans, my mother, and my own anus.
Does that make ANY fucking sense? No. Welcome to my shitty blog- nearly 6 years old.
Anyway, we have a lot of catching up to do. I am now a legal 21 year old adult so when I write stories about me being profanely drunk in public, its no longer illegal. Now its just funny.
However, I must say one of my favorite blog posts on this site comes from when I was 16 years old. My friends and I broke into a stranger's house to play beer pong underage. That is a true story and one of the most absurd situations I ever found myself in.
My parents did a great job.
But, as wonderful as my 21st birthday was, like all good things that happen to you, there are some shitty ones that come along and fuck you right in your dirty, hairy asshole. Everybody knows this: your neighbor, your grandma, even your priest.
Eventually, everyone gets fucked in the asshole.
And in the same fashion, everyone gets a speeding ticket.
So, I was driving back from Upstate NY. What the fuck was I doing in Upstate NY? Don't fucking worry about it, I was going to get to it. Just sit the fuck down and take that shit already. Don't forget to wipe. Please flush twice. Be courteous to the next shitter.
Okay, so I have a job where I sell flowers and graduation items/apparel at various graduations across the country. It is a phenomenal job and a very unique, continuously expanding company, I have to be honest.
One of the interesting aspects is you get to travel and I had the pleasure of spending 3 consecutive days with the same man. Shout out Matt B. Shout out to our podcast.
Anyway, not that spending 3 days sleeping, eating, driving in a minivan with a guy ISN'T the straightest thing ever, I was in a rush to get home to feel the warmth of my bed and a home cooked meal. I was also really looking forward to masturbating.
We were making GREAT time. The itinerary said we wouldn't make it back until 11pm but the GPS said 9:32. My dick was harder than an SAT test for Kim Kardashian. I was in the left lane, cruising in our totally-not-gay minivan going a solid 90.
I was on the interstate highway- and, as a guy from Jersey- I assumed this was like the Turnpike where you can basically go as fast as you want as long as you're not black. In New Jersey, 65 really means 80 and 70 really means, "we don't care anymore; you die, that's your problem, buddy."
I figured as long as I was under 100 mph, I was in the clear. Turns out, I was fuckity fucking wrong.
I passed by a cop hide-out on the left hand side of the highway. Don't forget, I was in the left lane so I was basically fucked. They saw me and as I continued down the highway I checked my rearview to see the officers' vehicles peel out.
Son.
Of.
A.
Jew.
Those god damn lights came on and I was cool as a cucumber with sunglasses. I had been pulled over before and have had plenty of family and family friends who have served in Law Enforcement on various levels. I have a ton of respect for all officers and knew the proper way to handle the situation.
Plus I'm white.
Anyway, the cops come over and I had my license already out as well as the registration for the rental car. I explained to the officers what we were doing and where we were headed. Surprisingly, they had NO QUESTIONS about 2 guys selling flowers and boxes of bears at graduations.
If I was a cop and saw a bunch of buckets and cardboard boxes, I would search THE FUCK out of that car and probably the anuses of both the driver and passenger.
but then again I'm white so.....
I thought MAYBE I'd be lucky to get a warning. I came clean, admitted I was speeding, treated the officers with respect, and tried to be as efficient as I could be.
nope.
fucked.
ticket.
When I got home I got a chance to fill it out and there was a 2 line space on the citation where I could explain myself. The lines were about as long as my nipple hairs.
I simply wrote, "speeding was foolish but I was in a rush to get home. Much respect to Officer _____"
I thought, "hey. I was nice to those cops. I was nice as fuck. And they kind of seemed like they DIDN'T want to give me a ticket. Maybe if I drop the cop's name, they'll reach out to him and he'll put in a good word so my fine won't be as much."
In reality, what probably happened was some poor, sad asshole who works for the county municipal office opened up my ticket, and said, "this little faggot thinks he's gonna get off by dropping 'respect to Officer ____? Fuck this piece of shit. Here's an extra $90 to pay, dick face."
So I ended up with a $283 ticket. When I went to pay it, there was a stellar 3.5% service fee. How am I paying for a service by paying for a ticket? No idea. But hey, I didn't have to go to court i.e. drive 5 hours to NY.
Since then, I must admit I've been far more mindful of my speed and have vowed to save my speeding of 90mph to ONLY the New Jersey Turnpike, America's Autobahn.
Well, that concludes my post. I hope to get back to you guys soon.
I'll leave you with a picture of one of the most respected men in law enforcement.
Lt. Jim Dangle
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