As I write this I am overcoming a WICKED hangover from the depths of Hell. My soul and liver may never recover. As I pondered what I was going to do today: shower, straighten up my life, find Jesus, do homework, exercise- I ultimately decided to write a blogpost about the liquor and masturbate.
Things have been going great. I mean, holy shit, senior year of college is almost as big a joke as senior year of high school. The only difference is that instead of 5 days of avoiding school work (HS), there's only 3 days (college).
But, since I've had so much excess time, I've had a lot of time to booze and become a full-on alcoholic.
Today, I'd like to tell you about how each liquor effects me and maybe you'll find similarities between you and I. Hopefully not, for your sake.
1. Vodka
Oh, you Russian whore, you.
Vodka. What is there to say that hasn't already been said? I feel like for most people, vodka is one of the first spirits that teenagers steal out of their parent's liquor cabinets. Because it's clear, able to be hidden in water bottles, and able to set your insides on fire, there is a universal love for this evil drink.
How do I feel about vodka? I fucking hate it. Vodka is like an ex-girlfriend: I can't fucking stand it and I talk shit about it regularly, but when I see it at Old Queens for $2.50 I'm going to say hello and take it home for the night.
I refuse to do shots of this fucking ass-juice, but if you mix it with Cranberry juice or Red Bull I'll take it for the whole night.
Unfortunately for me, the past 3 times I went with vodka for the night, I've blacked the fuck out. Last week I passed out at 10pm. The week before I passed out at 9pm.
9pm.
I went to bed at 9pm. Wearing a full suit and tie. I woke up at 5am ready to start the day with a boiling hangover.
I remember one time my best friend and I went 'shot for shot' of Grey Goose in the city. We both got so fucked up that we had to call out of work the next day.
2. Whiskey
Oh, you beautiful angel.
Whiskey, specifically Irish or Scotch whiskey, is my absolute favorite.
Whether I'm arguing with my own reflection or beating my wife, there is nothing better to enjoy my time with than a glass of whiskey on the rocks.
Something about that wonderful flavor- the smoke of Pete in a Lagavulin 16- the tenacity and the power in a shot of Jameson- I don't know man, it's just the drink for me.
What does it do to me? Well, while I may have made a joke about domestic violence (very popular in this day and age), whiskey actually doesn't make me violent but instead makes me sleepy. Usually, if I spend the night drinking whiskey not only is my dick not getting up but neither am I tomorrow morning.
Whiskey is my absolute drink of choice and I don't use it to party but usually to unwind, relax, and look forward to my divorce (I'm not even married yet).
3.
Tequila
Oh, you fucking piece of shit.
Me and Jose do not get along. We are like Peter Griffin and the chicken. We are like Chinese convenience store owners and minorities. We just don't belong together.
Every time I've had tequila my head has ended up in the toilet. Though I can maybe enjoy an occasional margarita, if someone starts offering my tequila shots, my night is ending off with me wishing for death while I'm covered in my own bile.
You know an alcohol is shitty when the only way to enjoy it is to immediately bite into a fruit and lick a line of salt off of your dirty hands.
Fun fact- my friend Shannon drank so much tequila and ate so many limes one summer that her doctor told her she was causing near-irreversible gum and enamel damage. She's an amazing woman.
4.
Beer
Oh, you asshole, you.
I'm a frat brother and as a frat brother I have stereotypically drank 3 times my weight in beer each semester. Keystone light? The blood in my veins. Natural Light? My reason for waking up each day. Guinness? What I dream about at night.
Favorite beer is probably Guinness but since I am poor, I can't recommend Land Shark lager enough. 8 dollars for a 6 pack can't be beaten. Pretty good beer too.
Earlier this year my housemate and I got into an argument over beer and he told me that there are basically no laws about what can or cannot be put into American beers. I didn't believe him, but after looking up the actual alcohol laws in the US, he wasn't far off.
Turns out in Germany, you are legally only allowed to make beer with water, hops, and barley. Since then, I've been on a big German beer bend. I really, really recommend Hofbrau if you can find it near you.
Am I an IPA guy? Eh, fuck you. I guess I kind of am. I mean, if you were to offer me a pint of Miller or a pint of Dogfish Head, I'm gonna put on my skinny jeans and hipster glasses while I sip that craft brew.
But, as a college boy I'll drink any beer. And usually, when I do drink beer, my penis is on the prowl and my time with the boys is cut in half as I attempt to find a mate.
I usually fail, and instead, make love to my sweet drink.
5.
Gin
Oh, you old friend you.
I haven't had gin in a long time. I learned a few years ago that a lot of gins are made with almond ingredients and as a fella thats allergic to nuts (not the male anatomy) I have strayed away.
That being said, I recall in my high school days that if you gave me a few glasses of gin and OJ you were gonna watch Atheistjustin bust a fucking move.
I can't explain it. I can't explain most things. But my Lord does gin make me want to get up and shake my ass. I do not dance, usually. I am a Jewish boy from the suburbs and therefore, am not a great dancer. But, all that goes out the window once 'Slippery' by Migos starts playing and a few splashes of gin are in my system.
6.
Wine
Oh, you Real Housewife of Alcoholism.
Listen, I am not a sommelier. I even had to google how to spell that. I doubt you even know what a sommelier is, drunk Sorority Girl reading this in the bathroom.
See, most of the wine I drink comes out of a bag and is slapped in my face. Nothing better than a fine bag of Franzia to kick off my Thursday night. I don't know a whole lot about wine, but I know that if I like the taste of the bottle, I'll end up killing the whole thing.
Usually, wine also means my dick is out to play and every woman is a 10/10. Tinder swipes only go to the right after too many gulps/glasses of wine for me. I have made many, many mistakes due to Franzia sunset blush.
The only downside to wine is the horrible fucking hangover in the morning. I don't know how Tyrion Lannister deals with it, but holy fuck do I feel like absolute dog shit the night after drinking wine.
The day they invent hang-over proof wine is the day I drink myself to death.
All, in all, I am a fucking drunk and as I wrap up this post, I'm gonna go pour myself a scotch on the rocks and watch my life go down the drain.
Oh, and some news: after school is over I will be spending a year out in New York, living most-likely in Brooklyn attempting to pursue the stand-up comedian thing. Gonna continue to bartend on the side to help pay the bills but I'm gonna bust my ass to try and get the name 'Atheistjustin' on everybody's Netflix account.
I will leave you now with a picture of a Matthew McConaughey drunk as fuck.
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