This year has been a shit show. From pledging a fraternity, to losing a hot girlfriend, succumbing to various intercourse ordeals which left me wondering, "what just happened?," to making a shitty EP that not even I can fully listen to, to spending my summer nights stuck behind a dirty deli counter, 2015 has been a fuck show the likes of which I am happy to leave behind.
Last New Year, I was lucky enough to persuade a young lady to let me put my penis in her, only to find that I didn't have a condom. After pulling out and ruining the back seat of my car, I'd like to let all my male readers know that the best way to get out stains is with Seltzer and Salt.
Put the salt on, then add seltzer. Let sit for 5 mins. Then arduously scrub. Scrub as hard as you can because this car is a lease and I don't know if they'll be cool with finding Jizz stains you made on accident with a girl you barely know.
Let's go for a repeat tonight!
Perhaps the most exciting thing to happen to me since the last time I posted was my attendance to the new Star Wars film.
For those who don't know, Star Wars was an integral part of my youth. I was a weird kid and didn't have a lot of 'Friends.'
Not much has changed.
Asshole and Joe didn't become a part of my shitty life until about 12. So, for those years growing up, I spent most of my life playing with Star Wars video games, action figures, posters, movies, books, etc.
My dick has also received a frivolous beating.
So when the new star wars premiered, it was only natural that I bought 3 tickets. I bought the seats next to me so that nobody would be near me, bothering me, as I coerced myself in this science-fiction action-packed drama that gave me my first boner (Thanks Princess Leia).
Just like many boys in the early 80's, my first love was Princess Leia. I'm still trying to get a girl to have sex with me in a metal bikini.
So far it has not been a well-recieved request. No, bitch, they're not 'chains.' They're fucking metal underwear ok?????? Now stay still.
I'm not going to lie, I cried pretty hard when I saw the new movie. Seeing Han Solo and Chewie back in the Millennium Falcon fucking shit up and killing pussy ass bitches was more satisfying than any sexual encounter I have ever experienced.
Anyway, last year I vowed to make more short stories and piss people off, since I did quite a bit of that in 2014. This year, I had a few published but sadly didn't find anybody pissed off enough at me.
I'll try harder this year.
As I sit here in my room, waiting for the hours to pass before I can leave to go get shit faced at a party I didn't pay for, I think about all the fabulous memories I have made this year alone.
I realize now I have spent far too much time masturbating.
This year, I have made a resolution. No, it's not to go the gym. We all know that won't last long. My resolution is to somehow make this fucking blog work for me so I can stop wasting my life away on here aimlessly and instead pretend this was all worth something.
I'm trying to get ads to work on the side of this piece of shit and so far that has been as successful as having sex with a girl in the metal bikini- it hasn't worked out yet, but I am persistent.
To be horribly honest, I am very not tech-savvy and about the only thing I'm really good at is finding HD porn for free. If any asian readers of mine know how they could help me out, you know where to find me.
If you don't know where to find me, ask Liam Neeson. He knows all.
As does Ron Swanson.
For all my readers, I challenge you with a New Years resolution. How about you get off your fucking phone and your fucking stupid fucking snapchat and your fucking instagram and your shitty twitter and do something creative with your life.
Here's what I want from you, you piece of shit: are you still reading? Good.
Write a blog.
Write something funny.
Write something hilarious and then send it to me so I can judge it horribly and put it on this fucking website and then you can tell your fucking friends "hey look assholes! I did something! I used that organ in my head that produces thoughts to write something longer than a 2 sentence caption on my finsta!!"
Be a fucking person and turn off your phone every once in a while. If you find yourself in an awkward moment, or a moment of silence, or at a shitty party, stop being a fucking pussy and get off your electronic gateway.
You know what you say to everyone around you when you're standing around on your phone?
You're effectively saying, "I don't want to be here, I wish I was rather in this person's shitty snapchat or licking this person's enlarged breasts in this instagram."
Now while those things may be true, you are denying yourself the opportunity to find other venues to enjoy a shitty party or an awkward moment. How about instead of retaking that selfie 6 times you go up to another fully functional human being and make some fucking words you cocksucking motherfucking disappointment
Sorry for yelling at u. I've been drinking.
This year I will approach my 20th birthday and be the most useless age of all. I can't do anything except say, "I'm not a teenager anymore." Well whoopty-fucking-do, you 20 year old piece of shit. Now you're old enough to get put in jail for texting that sophomore in high school, but not old enough to drink away the pain that you get no ass.
Being 20 is not something I look forward to, but at least I'll be able to say stuff like, "I've been pissing in public for 20 years!"
Well, I've effectively killed 45 minutes of my life trying to make this piece of shit blogpost and now I think it's time to go.
I wish all of my readers a Happy New Years and I leave you with a picture of an avocado.
No comments:
Post a Comment