The 10 Songs You Hear At Every Fucking Party/Bar/Mixer/Dage

I work in a bar. I am in a frat. I enjoy being in social, sweaty places where people stand around in circles and say things. I think most people call them 'parties.'

After going to a few of these, and working in a bar for 7 months, I've noticed that no matter what event you're at, you're going to hear THESE 8 songs at some point during the social event.





1. Drake - Hotline Bling/ Drake Ft. Future - Jumpman

I first heard this whiny little Jewish boy when I was about 13 years old. I was also a whiny little Jewish boy.

 I remember hearing my friend in my summer camp rapping over the lines "chillin wit no make-up on, that's when you're the prettiest I hope that you don't take it wrong."

I immediately called my friend a fag and for the past 7 years, Drake has had at least 1 song a year that every white person and their mother seems to play over and over again. Drake has had the ability to make more of a social impact with his words than Johnny Sins has made vaginal impact with his penis.

Whether it's "YOLO," "Runnin Through the Six With My Woes," "Versace Versace Versace Versace," or "Started From The Bottom Now We Here," Drake has always managed to make some fucking saying that everybody says over and fucking over again until he comes up with another shitty song that he probably didn't write.

Now it's Jumpman or Hotline Bling. You'll hear one of these songs- if not both- at every single social event. Even though everybody goes quiet when Future's part comes on (because nobody has any fucking idea what that stoned tortoise-looking human being is saying), every white girl at the mixer will scream 'Jumpman Jumpman, Jumpan, them boys up to somethin.'"

The only thing I'm up to is drinking heavily trying to get past the 90 seconds the DJ plays this song.


2. Justin Bieber

This fucking asshole has been a part of my generation's shitty taste in music since he came onto the scene with his ear-hurting song "Baby Ft. Guy Who Really Needed A Career Push Ludacris."

Since 8th grade, every girl from my generation has been bothering me with his existence and like AIDS or Cancer, no matter how hard we try, he just won't go away.

Now it seems like some of the boys of my generation have also caught onto the Bieber-Fever-Epidemic and now sing along to his 3 shitty songs: Love Yourself (written by a talented ginger), What Do You Mean, and Sorry.

Though his songs were also probably not written by him, if you put out a soundtrack of this kid just shitting and farting into a microphone for 90 minutes, the white girls of my generation and younger will eat it up and shit it out because they are slaves to the media machine.

And now, even though I'm just trying to get this girl named Dani to come back to my dorm and touch me in the bellybutton, I have to hear this fucking prick in the background.

3. The Weeknd - The Hills

A girl my freshman year of college once told me that The Weeknd's music is like having angry sex. I guess you could call it that. Personally, I call his music a steaming pile of shit.

A steaming pile of shit is also the name of The Weeknd's haircut.

This song usually comes on at nightly events because it has that weird kind-of-rapey-vibe.

I have no idea what he's actually saying in this song - but what this song really says is: "if you're a light-skinned black man with the ability to sing really high-pitched, you can have the shittiest haricut in the world and still get more ass than Atheistjustin ever will in his life."

4. R. Kelly - Ignition (Remix)

We (white people) love this song. We love this song so much, there was actually a petition in 2013 to make this song the new National Anthem of the United States. I am not lying when I tell you that. I may have signed it.

We love this song so much that it still comes on AT EVERY SOCIAL EVENT 13 years after it came out.

We love this song so much that we forgave/forgot about R. Kelly pissing on a high school freshman.

Just like Jellyfish and Betty White, this song will never fucking die.

5. Blink-182 - All The Small Things

I fucking hate Blink-182. On top of being the 2nd whitest band ever (Green Day is #1) I just never really liked the sound of the lead singer's voice.

Also, why do they have to pronounce every single letter of every single word in their songs? It kind of freaks me out. Seriously, if you've ever noticed it, it's like every single letter is in bold and underlined and italicized.

This song usually comes on when the DJ is feeling 'throwback-y' and usually follows something like Ignition (Remix).

6. Rihanna - Work

Holy fucking shit. It's like the Music Industry just gave up at this point.

I never really cared that much for Rihanna. I never really thought she was THAT good looking and never liked any of her songs. This song is no exception.

I have a 3-year old brother who probably could have written this song. Though its a song that thousands of white girls get excited to hear, absolutely nobody has any idea what the fuck this lady is saying.

It takes more 'work' to understand what is going on in this song than it does to pass your Calc 4 final. Not that I would know- I'm an English major.

7. Sammy Adams - All Night Longer

Holy shit did this kid go nowhere. Not sure what garbage can Sammy Adams is currently living in, but this song is still alive and living in our fraternity's shitty basement.

Sammy Adams was relevant for a little while when I was in high school, but like Mac Miller and Asher Roth, these young white rappers found quick, short success and then died.

Mac Miller is still out being a hipster somewhere but I haven't kept many tabs on him since he dropped GOOD A.M. last summer. He's prob high though.

Anyway, maybe it's just a Rutgers thing, like Fat Sandwiches and getting mugged by New Brunswick's poor, but this song seems to follow me to the toilet of every Fraternity house.

Also, for the record, Bartenders fucking hate when you tell them to make the drink stronger. We'll make it how we fucking make it you fucking asshole. You get what we give you and you like it. Please tip me.

8. Fetty Wap - Trap Queen/679

I have never been more disappointed in New Jersey than I was when I found out this 1-eyed piece of shit is from Paterson.

I have no idea how this is even considered 'music' and I think I'm going to move to the hills of China because I am losing faith in the intelligence of my country's youth. Fetty Wap is hardly a rapper anymore than I am a dolphin.

At least when Drake does that sing/song-y kind of rapping thing, he has a nice voice and uses a unique melody with every song. Fetty Wap, however, sounds the exact fucking same in every piece of shit fucking song.

Like the Hula-Hoop, the Snuggie, and the Selfie-Stick, Fetty Wap is just a ridiculous fad that will one day die out. I am looking forward to not having to hear either of these songs again, however, I am afraid of what is going to come next.





Well thats it for now. With Drake's new song that just came out, and Beyonce's new album that just dropped, I'm sure we'll have at least 2 more songs to add to this list.

I will leave you all now with a picture of a true musical genius the world lost a few days ago.

RIP Prince